Friday, April 11, 2008

Postcards From The Edge...The Ethnic Cleansing Of America

Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill) floating above a monster rally of heavily armed, Bible-wielding white trash protectionists outside Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania.

Having rebuked the awestruck mob for their religious sectarianism, racial bigotry and murderous gun mania, the future President instructed them all to bathe in the cleansing waters of the nearby Susquehanna river while singing the inspirational Civil Whites anthem "We Have Been Overcome".

Declaring "first you shall see me, then you shall not see me", the Senator, taking advantage of a fresh tail-wind which had miraculously sprung up, set off for the Mid-West where he is confident he can wean the white masses from "the destructive reliance on guns and God which has been the plague of this mean country of ours since its ill-starred foundation so long ago in slavery and theistic dogma".

The Susquehanna, named from an Algonquin word meaning "Secular Mind-Broadening Waters Of Disarmament".

It was here that native Susquehannock warriors, as part of a traditional ethnic purification rite, immersed their white captives prior to using them as beasts of burden.

Senator John McCain (R-Arz) together with his wife Cindy and daughter Meghan bursts into spontaneous applause as Senator Obama passes overhead on his mission "to bring ethnic cleansing to fly-over America".

The Democratic front-runner is careful to maintain an altitude of less than three hundred feet at all times to conform to FAA regulations concerning non-mechanical, self-propelled aerial bodies.

Afterwards before a small lukewarm crowd of distracted supporters, McCain said that, though the result can "never be in doubt", he is determined to continue his campaign to the "inevitable bitter end". Speaking in an uncharacteristically exalted fashion, the Republican no-hoper declared that it is "vitally important that the American people are given a choice in the Fall so that there will be no doubt about Senator Obama's overwhelming democratic mandate when he enters upon his great work as President".

Mrs Roberta McCain, 96 year old mother of the Arizona senator, pictured here signing up to a 12 Step Program to help her overcome the baseless fears and narrow-minded dread that has blighted her life as a Typical White Person.

She told reporters that "John said that if I didn't enrol in the program Senator Obama would insist that one of my grandchildren throw me under that danged bus they all keep talking about".

As part of her recovery the "typical white grandmother" is introduced to basketball greats Shaquille O'Neill and Kobe Bryant.

"Once she can pass these dudes on the street without swallowing her dentures," chuckled Program director, Jamaal Ali Ka Shazaam, "she'll be ready for what we call 'The Jesse Jackson Experience'. This is where gangsta rappers stalk her on the empty backstreets of Chicago from midnight till 2 a.m. If the old lady can get through that without hoping the guys crouching in the shadows behind her are white, she graduates."

The infamous "Star of Bethlehem" photograph.

It was e-mailed from inside the McCain campaign to the Drudge Report in an attempt to lay claim to the Messiahship which is in fact the unique possession of Senator Obama alone.

Within minutes of its publication by Matt Drudge, the notorious Republican shill, eagle-eyed astronomy experts on The Daily Kos, the renowned independent political blog famed for its objective and nuanced reporting, revealed the picture to be a fraud.

"By means of a painstaking comparison with imagery from the Hubble Space Telescope and the Giotto Probe," said Daily Kos founder Markos Moulitsas "we were able to establish beyond a shadow of a doubt that the object above McCain's unpleasingly narrow conservative head is not in fact a bona fide heavenly body but rather a crass and crude attempt at replicating a particularly mediocre solar luminosity in the Alpha Centauri galaxy."

A crestfallen Rick Davis, McCain head honcho, expressed his "full, abject and absolute contrition" for such "a blatant, unforgiveable breach of etiquette" which he pleaded had been carried out without the knowledge of "the candidate or anyone else in the campaign". The guilty staffer, Rem Brandt, a sophomore from Texas Christian University, has been fired.

UPDATE: It has since emerged that Rem Brandt is a nom de guerre of Van Ryan, an executive member of the National Committee of the NRA and author of the red states bestseller The Immaculate Conception: How The Daily Rosary And Your Family Arsenal Can Seal The Borders And Keep America White.

Senator Joe Liberman (I-Conn) and Senator Lindsey Graham (R-NC) are forced to admit that John McCain insists on at least one of them accompanying him everywhere he goes because of the GOP candidate's overwhelming fear of encountering people of color.

"His tendency to utter racial and ethnic stereotypes all day every day," confessed a shamefaced Lieberman, "would even make my typically Jewish grandmother cringe."

Lindsey Graham was equally forthright stating that McCain's "utterings" have so repelled his own grandmother that she is voting for Barack Obama even though "she hasn't held down a job since her sixty fifth birthday, keeps a loaded revolver on the nightstand alongside her Bible and is as white as processed flour".

In a further development all three senators agreed that between them they have the charisma of three month old washed up seaweed. A campaign spokesman further explained that Senator McCain "as just a reg'lar white guy" completely accepts that "he don't have no mojo".


Zee said...

OMG. Love the entry, love the site me to your poetry, if it is online!

Howard said...

Why do you write so well, so cleverly, and so focused upon the overall hypocrisy of all political points of view, and have a TV show that stinks, that is doctrinaire Left and not clever at all?

liamascorcaigh said...

Howard, many thanks for your positive comments. I really appreciate them and you for taking the trouble to partake in this blog.

As I have pointed out in the About Me section, I am NOT Chris Matthews. The title of the blog is mocking his ridiculous 'tingling leg' comment. I am NOT Chris Matthews, don't know the guy and am not associated with him in any way whatsoever. I just see him on the telly like everyone else.

liamascorcaigh is the only author of this blog in its entirety.

Nancy said...

Wow, wow, wow. What a brilliantly written, well thought out, right on the mark piece! You are on my must-read list!

Claudia Burrows said...

OMG... you crack me up! Keep at 'em! Claudia

Anonymous said...

Brilliant satire Liam. Keep up the good work. JC @ The Christian Defender.