Friday, March 21, 2008

Obama Offers Hope And Healing To The TWerPs Of America

"My grandmother is a typical white person, or as Michelle likes to say a complete TWerP, who if she sees someone on the street she doesn't know, you know, someone of color or who's come back from a vacation in the Florida Keys with a really deep tan, she scuttles to the other side of the street. It's quite instinctive, kind of bred into their bones. Apart from the implications this behavior pattern has for race in our country it also leads to quite a high rate both of jay walking convictions among that demographic as well of course as quite severe physical trauma consequent upon TWerPs suddenly inserting themselves into the traffic flow without any warning whatsoever. This is greatly exacerbated by the fact that these folk have got absolutely no sense of rhythm and cannot shuck and jive their way across the road in such a way as to minimize the chance of a collision"

In this way Senator Barack [...] Obama, (D-Ill), launched his new campaign to heal America's suppurating racial wounds. Speaking in San Francisco to the Bay Area chapter of the Perpetual White Cringe Foundation (PWCF) the Illinois senator declared that this campaign will be run "in parallel yet completely separately" from his Presidential bid. "It will be called", he told a packed hall of shamefaced self-flagellating awestruck Caucasians, "the Throw Your White Grandmother Under The Bus Tour."

He plans to address monster rallies of guilt-stricken melanin-challenged Americans, who haven't enough gumption to find a tree in a forest, in at least forty states between now and the Democratic Convention in Denver where to the tune of "Camptown Races" played backwards he will accept his Party's nomination upon a podium overlooking "a celebratory, cleansing bonfire" of Stephen Foster music scores, Confederate memorabilia, effigies of Al Jolson in blackface, the Collected Writings of Thomas Sowell, Shelby Steele, Bill Cosby and such, together with any and all artifacts "likely to promote ethnic and racial stereotyping".

Claude McCrumble, president of the PWCF, introduced Obama, saying that since he had come to see himself for what he really was - a TWerP - he felt truly liberated. "All my life I tried to be colorblind, engage with people on the basis of the content of their character not the color of their skin but I now realize that this is impossible for me. I'm a TWerP and I must embrace my TWerPhood before I can, under the guidance of Senator Obama and Pastor Wright, transcend it. "

In his usual spell-binding manner Senator Obama called for openness and honesty from all sides. " I inherited from my white mother and white grandmother, no don't boo, she like you all here, is but a Typical White Person, I inherited from them, I say, the ineradicable stain of slavery. Except for the happy accident of my mother's weakness for black men which even my grandmother could not control, I too would be condemned to spend all my life from kindergarten onwards apologizing for my existence. I too would have to weigh every syllable, every glance, every sigh, sob or shout of joy before expressing them for fear of letting the mask slip to reveal the howling race hater within. I too would have had to endure daily hectoring and derision from the Main Stream Media to help me deal with my white supremacist rage when my son couldn't get into a decent college because of affirmative action or my daughter became a drop out at sixteen because of the sky high crime rate in the public school she was bused to.

"I was lucky. My father was a foreigner who never contributed a whit to this country and abandoned me to my white mother and grandmother when I was little. But I cannot disown him no more than I can disown any other miserable excuse for a human being who happens to be black. It is, you see, his gift of blackness that more than makes up for his callous disregard of his duties. Because of him and him alone I can say whatever I want, whenever I want, wherever I want and not care a jot whom I offend, what standards I outrage, what arrogance and sense of entitlement I or any of my black relatives display. I can befriend unrepentant domestic terrorists like Bill Ayers and for twenty years have as a spiritual mentor and valued friend a ranting vicious anti-American race-baiter. For the same reason he can masquerade as a highly respected Man of God, revered for his dedication to the teachings of Him who gave us the Sermon on the Mount.

"And - perhaps this is the sweetest of all - I can condescend continuously and comprehensively to fellow citizens of lighter complexion, fob them off with fancy high-flown rhetoric grotesquely at odds with what I have otherwise and always done and said - and get completely away with it. Indeed be hailed by media types, each one a Liberal out of New York, what Michelle likes to call a LOONY, as a Seer and Prophet of Biblical proportions which it is your lucky lot to be brainwashed, bamboozled and browbeaten into voting for.

"So, you see, I am in a unique position to offer Hope, promise Change and bring about Unity in this country of ours with its wretchedly difficult National Anthem and associated obsessions with lapel pins, flags and hands on hearts. Today I can place my hand on my heart and pledge to you that, provided you recognize once and for all the utter Typicality and Whiteness of your Personhood and promise to spend every waking hour making atonement for it, yes, with that proviso, I can pledge that I will continue my twin campaigns of Hope and Healing. And when you elect me your President I further pledge that I will create a country in which TWerPs just like your humble selves will be afforded the opportunity to experience the cleansing Joy of Atonement all day every day."

Senator Obama paused for a brief dramatic moment. "Now, my pale friends, can you keep your part of the bargain? Can you make your TWerP Pledge?" "Yes, we can," the crowd cried out ecstatically. "Yes, we can. Yes, we can. Yes, we can." At a sign from the Senator a sudden hush fell over the hall until, as if impelled by an invisible hand, all the people rose up as one and chanted: "We are TWerPs and are utterly ashamed all the time, everywhere, of everything. We must atone. We can atone. We will atone."

Acceptance is the first step to Redemption.
Come Out to your family, your neighbors, the whole world.
Be proud of your shame. Go here and purchase this plain simple totally uncool and therefore utterly typically white t-shirt. Never again will you have to pretend that Halle Berry can act or feel the need to find deep social commentary in rap lyrics.

The chanting continued long after Senator Obama had left for another Atonement Rally in Sausalito and didn't end until the security personnel provided for the occasion by Rev. Louis Farakhan's Nation of Islam ushered them quietly out of doors.

Senator Obama will take a break from his two campaigns tomorrow to fly to Washington to meet with TV presenters and talk show hosts of the major networks for a ring-kissing ceremony.


christmasghost said...

you, my friend, are a GEM. i haven't laughed this hard in quite a long time...and at the same time your post was thought provoking and brilliant.
genius....pure and simple.

l. ron hoover said...

Good stuff. More, please! Shout it to the hills!