The Night Before Armageddon
'Twas the night before Armageddon, when all through the White House
Not a creature was stirring, not even Bill's, er, mouse;
My pantsuit was hung on the chair with aplomb,
That little grey number that makes me look strong;
My aides were nestled all snug in their beds,
While policy statements danced in their heads;
When right by my side there arose such a clatter,
I sprang up in the bed to see what was the matter.
It rattled and clanged, Bill uttered a moan,
I shuddered with horror; 'twas the Red Telephone.
The ultimate nightmare! With a hand that was lead
I lifted it up and listened with dread.
My stomach it churned, I let out a wheeze,
No lawyer from Yale should hear facts such as these:
In the Mid-East I'd done what Code Pink had decreed
And withdrawn all the troops with the greatest of speed
Now all was in chaos and ruin and wrack:
They told me bin Laden was back in Iraq!
And nearby Iran had perfected their nukes
To eradicate Israel by hook or by crook;
And Moscow had called the whole country to arms
And would be in Warsaw before the next morn.
I gave Bill the elbow. He continued to snore
And mutter of Monica and one or two more.
I looked at the damn phone; they needed an answer.
Oh I wish I had died at fifty with cancer!
Or stayed in the Senate and continued to drone
of Tubman's Post Office and Treasury loans.
I thought of my staff, all four hundred and forty,
But they were as dumb as the rest of the Party.
There was only one answer I saw in a flash
To stop the whole world turning to ash.
I held up the receiver, my voice was quite steady,
I had the experience, the ads said I was ready,
But when reality bites, it's not quite the same
So I told them quite clearly: "Get John McCain!"
Adapted from 'Twas The Night Before Christmas by Clement Clarke Moore, who may not have written it at all! See the fatuous ad here and read Camille Paglia's trenchant comments thereon.